The Pain of Major Depression

Everyone talks about how hard it is to deal with a mental illness. I am just writing to share a recent experience that I have had that has affected me greatly. I was recently diagnosed with major depression. I was going to school full time, working about 20 hours a week, trying to balance a relationship, and paying all the bills in a house by myself because my sister didn’t have a job. Also, I was dealing with a lot of stuff from my past.

When all of this finally came to a boil, I couldn’t take it anymore. I ended up seeking help after years of feeling down. I tried my hardest to share what was going on with those closest to me. But I think it became too much. I had my boyfriend at the time and two of my best friends as my only support group. My parents don’t understand as well as I would like them to, so these three were the only people I could count on.

I leaned too much on my then-boyfriend. After I got the help I needed, I tried to reach out to him to tell him that I was feeling better. But by then he had already gone on Tinder, and that hurt. I tried to ignore the feeling I had in my gut, but he ended up breaking off the relationship a few days later. Of course I am sad that it ended, but that isn’t the worst thing for me.

He broke up with me over a phone call. I was upset because of that and because we still had a class together. I would sit in that class and see him and not talk to him; that was so hard. I could see that I had scared him so much that he didn’t want to talk to me. It got to the point that I ended up dropping out for the semester because it hurt too much. I just wanted to be friends, and I wanted to apologize so much for everything that had happened.

It has now been three  months since all of this happened, and it still hurts me how much I hurt him. I tell my current boyfriend all the time about why it still affects me so much. I am glad to have his support  because he now knows everything that happened. I just hate losing friends, and I hate it even more that I’ll never get to talk to him (as a friend) anymore. I have now given up trying to contact him.

On one positive note, I can say that my two best friends have stuck by my side through it all. They truly are the best, and I am lucky to have them. I am lucky to have boyfriend now who helps me so much when I start crying over this mess. I have also since gotten another job and an apartment, and I am really looking forward to finishing out my college degree. It’s been hard, but I think I am finally getting back on my feet.

I hope that this reaches out to people somewhere. There is a lot of pain associated with depression, but it CAN get better. I am here to talk about my own experiences, and I want to help anyone I can. I hope this helps.

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